Seit Monaten, ja eigentlich seit Jahren schon könnte ich, wenn ich wollte. Ich könnte ihn haben. Vielleicht nur für eine Nacht, vielleicht für etwas Längeres. Aber nie, niemals für etwas ernstes und richtiges.
Seit Monaten, ja seit Jahren schon verweigere ich. Mich. Ihm. Und ihn mir. Ich verweigere es mir mich darauf einzulassen. Verweigere mir die Chance auf… Spaß? Sex? Abenteuer? Irgendwas. Ich will das nicht. Will keine Nebenbeinummer sein. Will keine Unterhaltung für fade Stunden sein auf der Landstraße. Ich will auch nicht die Autobahn sein. Aber nichts, nichts will ich auch nicht sein. Denn dann würde ich nicht Monate, ja Jahre schon damit kämpfen nicht zu wollen.
Es gibt Begegnungen, die sich nicht vermeiden lassen. Unsere Leben kreuzen sich, sind miteinander verhakt und das wird noch eine Weile so bleiben. Jede Begegnung hat ihren Reiz, dazu tragen wir beide bei. Aber ich glaube zu spüren, dass ich viel weiter gehen könnte, dass er nicht bremsen würde. Bisher habe immer ich die Kurve gekriegt. Bin abgebogen, bevor ich wusste, dass mein Gehirn, mein Körper die Kontrolle verlieren könnte. Meine Spur verlieren, ins Schleudern geraten. Das will ich nicht. Eigentlich. Und irgendwie ja doch.
Es ist der Punkt gekommen, an dem ich mich frage, warum ich mich so so so sehr dagegen wehre. Wie lange ich das kann und ob ich es nicht doch einfach will und nachgeben sollte, damit es aus meinem System heraus ist.
Es ist nicht so, als würde er mich bedrängen. Stetig nerven. Aufdringlich sein. Aber je mehr ich mich immer und immer wieder zurückziehe, umso mehr scheine ich das interessante Objekt zu sein, das so unnahbar ist, unerreichbar. Und so spielen wir ein Spiel, tanzen um einander herum bis ich aus dem Raum tanze. Und laufe. Getragen von der Aufregung, angetan von dem Begehren.
Und dann sind da Träume. Träume, in denen passiert, wogegen ich mich so wehre. Träume, in denen ich nicht kämpfe, sondern geschehen lasse. Träume, in denen er sagt: “Das war doch von Anfang an klar.” Und das stimmt irgendwo. Dann spricht eine Stimme zu mir. Mein Unterbewusstsein. “Das ist es nicht, was du willst.” Ich wache auf und fühle mich stark. Geheilt von all dem. Bis zur nächsten Begegnung.
Seit Monaten, ja seit Jahren schon die selbe Frage in meinem Kopf: Was wäre, wenn? Alles kompliziert. Gefährlich sogar. Für ihn und für mich. Es macht überhaupt keinen Sinn und auch wenn ich nun schon länger single bin – DAS ist absolut nicht das, was ich will. Aber was will ich?
Die Aufregung. Das Begehrtwerden. Das Begehren. Das Kopfkino mit einem Hauch von Realität. Ich will das Wollen. Bis zu dem Punkt, an dem ich haben kann. Dann ist das Begehren vorbei, die Aufregung am Höhepunkt und dann kann es nur noch bergab gehen. Also bleibe ich beim Wollen. Bis jemand kommt, der mich will. Wirklich will. Mit allem was dazu gehört. Einer, der all in ist. Und für den ich all in bin.
Pingback: Vom Mut, verletzlich zu sein - Volle Kanne Leben
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